A Strike of Insomnia

It's late.
Too late, in fact, for me to
Even be here.

But I can't sleep.

I've listened countless times
To the toilet flushing just a
Few feet of plaster from my
head.

I can hear the dog impatiently
Sniffering
Its little collar bell chiming
Ceaselessly
As it paces the hall outside
My door.

Still can't sleep.
Won't sleep.
Can't sleep.

Manifesto

I wish I was a tree!

I wish I could spend
my days standing absolutely
still
and silent
Among all my thoughtful
Tree friends.

I want to be beautiful
in the spring
and summer, blossoming as
a human girl never
could.

Oh, to spend hundreds
of years just
standing tall
proud and wise and green
And giving
shelter
to all the squirrels and birds
and kittens.

Silent Standing Man

Tall figure
Dapper in a violet suit
Kiss-kiss lips set in a serious
expression

Country-boy hands, callused
Now diamond-adorned and
hanging limp at your sides
Blue eyes unblinking
All-seeing

December

Christmas, sure
And hopefully snow
Time to anticipate
And laugh.

It's cold outside
The ground is frozen
But we've a fire in the hearth
To keep us warm.

I love the winter
Like most love the summer
I love the clean-slateness
of it all.

Obviously

Okay, so it might be kinda
obvious
And I might stare just a little too
much
I might just be laughing a little too
hard
At your jokes.

Who am I kidding?
You've gotta know.
I mean, you've never been a
genius
(thank god)
but you're not totally
brain-dead
either.

Limits

My name is
and I'm

Clump, clump, clump

I had an old wrecked vehicle
Kaleb said he'd help me fix up some time

Sweating in my seat, every inch of me shaking

I knew how to cover my tracks (ha ha)

Again and again, more and more the words starting to mean something

You know what I wish? This second? I wish I was high!

And this last time, all of us already crying too hard to speak

I'll stick with it, man. One more week......for you.

And when it's finally over, really over, it doesn't feel like the end

Kaleb is dead. Overdose.

The words I've spoken so many times aren't just something I say
anymore. How long will it take to finally be over? For real?

We never got around to it. And now we never will.

Guidance

Allah
Krishna
Yahweh
God
Whatever your name, I need some help down here.

I've
never
been
one
to pray much outside of church and at suppertime.

But
it
looks
as
if that might change, considering the circumstances.

so
forgive
me
if
the prayers aren't too practiced, and if I stutter.

But
you
made
me
so you probably know me better than even I ever could.

I
only
ask
that
you know me well enough to help me get through these days.

I
need
something
real
to outshine the hate, the tears, and the feelings of self-doubt.

Total Stranger

I don't know you
And it's probable
That we'll never lay eyes on eachother again.
But of course, that would imply that you saw me
And as far as I know
You were totally unaware
That I was watching.

I wondered about you
With your peacoat and jeans
Gel-spiked hair and ever-present Blackberry
In hand.
Did you love the girl you were sitting with,
Did you even notice her presence, or were
You simply worried she might scuff your
Italian shoes
If her foot happened to meet yours under
the table where you sat not eating?

Antidote (to my mother)

There is the world.
             And there is you.
The world hurts sometimes.
             You abolish the pain.
The world can be cruel.
             Your love chases the cruelty to the shadows.
The world can misunderstand.
             You understand, and agree wholeheartedly.
The world can hate.
             You recognize hate, but do not let it taint your love for me.
The world sometimes pushes me down.
             You are the thing that pulls me to my feet.
The world does not think I matter.
             You do.

Thank you.

Oddly Enough

It gets easier every day.
I barely even notice you
anymore
and I must say it feels wonderful.

I've found things in my life to
replace you
To fill the aching hole inside
that no longer hurts so bad.

There are friends, beautiful
winter days
and hugs from warm bodies to soothe me.

There are purring cats and chocolatey
voices
to be there and give me joy in the midst of pain.

So I don't care anymore about the scars on my heart
Because they've long since stopped bleeding
And have found many ways to heal.

What A Difference A Day Makes

What a difference a day makes.
Have you ever
                                     had a day where things just couldn't seem worse?

Ever spent a day wondering
what exactly it is
                                    you're living for, and what the point of breathing is?

I've had a lot of those days
Lately and it seemed
                                    like they'd never end, that my heart would always be bruised.

But there's always something
A smile, a hug from a friend,
                                   a congratulations or the simple reassurance that you are loved.

Day to day our fate can change
A life can be turned around
                                   a heart can go from feeling like it's been kicked to wanting to fly

In just a blink of an eye
And it can all change
                                  for the better.

Bright Idea

Here's a thought.

Why is it deemed
necessary
to get yourself
stone-cold
drunk
to have a good time
when you won't even
remember
the party in the morning?

Just a thought.

You're spending money on
ruining lives
Using cash to forget
your problems
when that thing that you just
have to have
is the problem
that won't go away.

Think about it.

                       Today I

overheard
                       you saying

you're going to
                       join the Army.

I don't
                       think

you saw
                        me almost start to cry

but I did.
                        They'd deploy you

right out of high school

                        you said,

 if they thought you were good enough.

                        You'd be in the war zone

you'd get to see some action.

                        I wanted to leap across

the table and grab you and never

                        let go.

Action. Yeah right, because everyone

                        that goes in there

Comes out Schwarzenegger

                         Big gun and nothing but a scratch.

    
                             

Friction

You've probably never known that I worry for you
I worry that the world will not see the genius behind
the pillow-hair and the half-naked charges through the house.
I'm afraid of the other children that won't play with you
Just because you might know the Latin name for every fish in the sea.

The world is cruel to creative souls, and this I've seen firsthand
Many times myself.
There are those who will say, no,  you musn't draw sharks on your homework
Or, speak up child, and stop all this nonsense about your pet T-Rex.
I know you're afraid to go to school every day, and that you draw frowns on every
Self-portrait.

But from one Carpe Diem-ist to the other,  I say GO FOR IT!
I'll still be here to listen to how you and that basset hound Molly
Flew to Mars and made peace with the pink raptors
And I'll make sure that when you ask for chocolate milk,
It's the organic kind, and that there's a really cool bendy straw in it
Green, of course.

Freedom

don't think i don't realize that you're hurting too
but tell me is there a sweet release a kind of relief inside of you
for finally now the tears and the glares and the ugly whispers don't hurt
i'm too much of a strong soul to let you continue to treat me like dirt

i'm not letting you in now cuz i've found something sweet
something sweet and real and comforting that you can't have and never could
the fact is the victim isn't playing the victim and the one that twisted the knife is nursing a wound
you can't stop me from flying or spreading my wings because i want to live my life alive

i say goodbye to you forever because this time that's what i'm offering up in exchange
in exchange for all the tears you squeezed from me and all the lies you told
you don't control me you don't and never will because i cut myself loose forever
and i've got a life that you will never take away from me again.

Intens(ity)

the music swells and I'm
feeling
All the love, the joy, and the pain of a life
interrupted
And yet there is a
sign
of hope and love everlasting when you
take
my hand, wrap me in your arms and
speak
in that voice like silk that surrounds and
fills
me with a love that can only be felt
here
where you are, where he is, where music
lives
This extraordinary gift that has been
given
to me through you is simply
indescribable
and there can never be
enough

Curious

Sometimes my thoughts get ahead of me
Like I'll be thinking one something, and my brain decides
To dwell on why it is the word (clairvoyant)
has such a funny sound to it, and what exactly
(clairvoyant) means.

Or I will sit and ponder
What my life would be like if I were a boy.
It would be a very big shame, for if I were one of
those members of the Y chromosomal club, I would miss out
On looking like my mother, or cracking jokes
About how I can still wear training bras.

To You

Whether or not these words reach you
(and really, it's better they don't)
You should know that it's been a long time
(about five years right? Right now I can't think)
But I've held on because I believe that some things
(even if they're hopeless, foolish things)
Are worth the hurt, the tears, the frustration
(and of course those warm fuzzy moments that light up all my insides)
And the time it takes for me to say the things that have been collecting cobwebs
(so old, so repetitive, and yet sweeter like wine the longer you let them lie)
Inside my heart.

Harvest

The farmer stands
On his stretch of land
And raises a callused hand
To his eyes.

There beckons not a sound
But a whisper from the ground
No there isn't but the sound
Of the dirt as it sighs.

He dusts off his shirt
Silently blesses the Earth
Thanks God for the dirt
That takes the seed where it lies.

Essentials

It seems
Silly to
Believe that
You are
Out there
Watching me
And listening
To each
Little care
That passes
Over my
heart.

You lived
Once and
had your
own worries
and now
that you
no longer
worry it
seems arrogant
to assume
that you
are listening
to anything
I say.

But every
day I
talk to
you in
solitude and
it feels
as if
you do
listen, and
answer back
in that
deep, chocolate-y
voice of
yours. I
believe you
hear me
And I
Believe you
Care.

Do You Know?

Do you know how much
It hurts me
When you tuck in on
Yourself and use
The disease
As an excuse not to
Live a full life and let yourself
Be free and happy?

Do you know that
I love you no matter
What but sometimes you make
It hard to love anymore because
It feels like you take
My heart in your hands
And squeeze til it's dry?

Do you know
That you and I
Will someday, maybe soon
Grow apart of ourselves
And this time, this next time
It will probably be for
Forever?

Dreams

Dreams can be funny things. I myself have had some pretty wacko ones in my time, not one of which has been giving a speech in the nude :) . There was one I had recently (not counting the one where Mel Gibson was chasing me on a horse; that happened a few hours after I'd seen Braveheart) that really resonated with me. I personally am a Michael Jackson fan, though didn't really become one until after his death. You know how that goes; you hear all this crappy stuff about a celebrity during their life, and it takes their death for anything positive to be said. Anyway, he was in my dream the other night. We were riding in the backseat of a car, and it was late at night. Rain was battering the windows, so loudly that I couldn't hear the tires on the road. I couldn't see the driver either. I sat on one side of the seat, Michael sat on the other. He looked how he did later in life, small and vulnerable. He met my eyes but said nothing. That's when I recognized the song playing on the radio. It was "Got to Be There", by the Jackson 5, with young Michael leading. We listened for a while, when somehow over the rain I heard him say, "That little boy is lost now." Just those six words. I moved in my seat and laid myself in the crook of his arms, laying my head on his shoulder. We didn't talk any more after that; we just sat and listened to the rain and the hum of the car. I don't know why I dreamed about him that night, but that dream has stayed with me. So many peaceful people have been destroyed by this world, for no reason. Oftentimes we don't see it happening until it's too late. I didn't get to see the beautiful side of Michael until he was gone from this Earth, but I believe what he was trying to do can be continued through us, if we just give it a try.

Flashback

I don't know
If I've ever found you beautiful
Because your walls are crumbling now
Your glass has been shattered
By rocks

But there's something
About you that still tugs at my heart
As I see you now
Empty, silent, and in pieces
The men in yellow hats paying no mind
To what was once hallowed ground

Your halls were once filled with children
With teenagers, parents, teachers, and custodians
That swept and scrubbed you up with so much care
Catching every speck on your marble floors
And dusting every cobweb away

You'll be gone soon
Nothing more than a memory
And a big ugly hole in the ground
You need to go, you are much too old now
A statue from a simpler time that has given up
And is ready to breathe
Its last breath.

Introduction

Hey there future readers!

If you're reading this I assume (or hope) that you already know me and I don't have to go through the excruciating process of telling you all of my weird little quirks (yes ma'am, that IS a Spiderman toothbrush you see by my sink!). But if you are new to the world of me, let me just give you a teeny tiny synopsis:

1. I pretty much live to write.
2. If I were President I would make it illegal to hate. Anyone.
3. Sweet potatoes and carrots and Cheetos and (most) tigers are orange, thus proving the point that orange is a truly fabtabulous color.
4. I really ought to have been born somewhere in the 30s or 40s. Most of the artists I listen to are dead or battling receding hairlines and wrinkles. I love them anyway.
5. I used to think I'd go to Hogwarts someday. Nowadays I feel there's still hope.
6. Elvis Presley and his music are a pretty huge part of my life. (see #4)
7. I'm one of those rare teenagers that enjoy spending time with my parents, who are seriously nerdy and wonderful!
8. I am currently 2 unpublished or seriously expensive books away from reading every Stephen King book out there.
9. Shiny stuff makes me happy, and so do tacos.
10. I'm quite possibly clinically insane, and that's why I have the awesome friends that I do (:

See you in the future, folks! The only way from here is up!

S.G.M.R.